Running shirts

Top 5 Running Shirts for People Who Hate Running

Some people love running. They can’t live without running. They get what they call a “runner’s high” which sounds eerily similar to what happens when you sniff glue. It clears their head, makes their body feel great, and changes their perspective on the world. Those people are the worst inspiring. 

But for the rest of us, running is a chore. It is a miserable miserable thing that you follow through with out of obligation and nothing more. Sort of like a marriage. Sorry. Sorry. We got off track. So anyway, what do you do? How do you let the world know, “yeah I’m going for a run, but don’t call me a runner?” Why with these running shirts specifically designed for people who hate running.

Running shirts

It’s just true. Law & Order has told us this myth that the more banal an activity you do, the more likely you are to find a corpse. And there’s no more banal activity than jogging. So the idea that a jogger would “find” a dead body is plausible. But does that make it true?

Maybe we should take a look at the fact that this guy who “just happened to be out for a jog that day” found a dead body, but we, who drive cars – which cover way more mileage than joggers – never find dead bodies. Like ever.

Running shirts

Have you ever heard of Jim Fixx? He is one of the people largely credited with popularizing the idea of running as a form of fitness. He is also, and this is totally true, someone who died of a heart attack at age 52! And yet people still go for runs. 

(We were going to find an image without the pricing listed, but it just so perfectly fit the shirt’s essence of being anti-exercise that we decided to leave it in).

This shirt isn’t being lazy, it’s trying to save your life.

Running shirts

Look, we don’t want to get all dark on you. 

But we do want to get all dark on those obnoxious guys who keep running no matter how many shirts we wear making fun of them. And this is the perfect way to do it. What better way to counter self-improvement than with pure, unfettered nihilism?

Running shirts

There is perhaps no more obnoxious person than the one who runs a marathon. We get it. You’re fit. In fact, you’re so fit, that our exercise routines are less grueling than your warmups. Oh, and what’s that, you also raised money for charity in the process? Great. We’re so happy for you. That’s amazing.

Here’s a shirt from for those of us who want to tell marathon runners we will be running 0 miles today, and yes, we feel totally fine about ourselves.

Running shirts

This is a situation that’s happened to us… maybe never. But it doesn’t mean we don’t sympathize with this hypothetical character’s lot in life on this T-shirt. Think about how tragic this is. All he wanted to do was feed his borderline unstable alcohol habit and instead he was forced to do something really physically upsetting: Go for a run. For all the hearing impaired alcoholics out there (and we say that term with affection), this is for you.